Types of Mason

Masonry professions

WARNING: I AM UNASHAMEDLY WORKING CLASS AND THIS WILL BE TOO BLUNT AND OUTRIGHT RUDE FOR SOME PEOPLE

IT IS MEANT AS A JOKE FOR OTHER PROFESSIONALS AND IS HIGHLY EXAGGERATED

I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR EVERYONE IN THESE FIELDS AND DO NOT REALLY MEAN IT

Stonemason-banker- A college trained or apprenticed banker mason who predominately carves architectural stone with extensive knowledge of how stone works, bedding selection, different types etc who thinks that automatically makes them a fixing mason too.

Carver/Sculpter- A self taught or college educated carver who works with stone, sometimes good, sometimes bad but nearly always pretentious and middle class with weird clothes and a twatty way of describing things. An apron and filtered photos are essential for this role.

CNC operator-An operator of computer assisted stone cutting machinery usually in countertop banker workshops who could give less of a s##t.

Stonemason-fixer-A college trained or apprenticed fixer mason who predominately builds new complicated structures, traditionally...never met one. Unicorn.

Site Mason-A certified and qualified mason who generally builds modern installations to design within the commercial construction sector and probably fights a lot, drinks and has been to jail multiple times but does everything to an oddly acceptable standard without fail and never, ever misses a brew. Usually from cities.

Cathedral Mason-A multidiscipline mason who is workshop trained as both a banker and fixer mason usually with an emphasis on banker masonry who thinks incredibly highly of themselves because they work on one big building, made of one type of stone, taught by one person with the same breadth of experience. Slowly.

Brick Mason-An exceptional brick layer who has more in depth knowledge and experience that the donut below but more pointing irons and brushes than sense.

Bricklayer-A mason who can stack bricks on top of one another, sometimes neatly but rarely well. Hollow f##king perps...just do us all a favour and die already.

Marble Mason-A mason who can come from a variety of backgrounds who specialises in fine, usually interior work such as foyers or bathrooms and is usually a bit of a fatty because he's a lazy b#####d who can't pick up anything thicker than an inch and just glues everything.

Memorial Mason-A multi-discipline mason from a variety of backgrounds but usually traditional apprenticeships who carves and then installs grave masonry. Definitely has a tipper van with a crane and takes his son and dog to work.

Countertop Mason-A mason who installs kitchen countertops and similar installations like bathroom cladding, usually with modern products by Architectural design. Take away their glazing shims and specialist kit and their heads would fall right off!

Streetmason-A usually self taught mason who affixes and restores flooring, kerbing and drainage both internally and externally with extensive knowledge of civils, Rare as rocking horse s##t and rough as a badgers gonads.

Stone floor installer-A self taught mason who installs off the shelf stone flooring for builders, homeowners and developers to standards...so a tiler who can read instructions.

Tiler/Paver-A mason who can only do one job, badly, yet again. The kids from the unit in school have to do something I guess?

Heritage Mason- A college trained or apprenticed mason who conserves, restores and renovates old masonry buildings with an extensive skillset and incomparable knowledge who can write a f##king fantastic list. Usually very, very handsome and incredibly funny too.

Conservator-A university taught professional who can conserve, restore and renovate old masonry buildings with potentially extensive knowledge who is cack handed yet determined to play at stonemason but missed the meaning of the trainspotting poster, can't read a book without being told to and really, really wanted a s##t ton of debt.

Repointer-Someone who rakes out perfectly good lime mortar and usually sticks something inappropriate back in for about 50p an hour more than a supermarket used to pay them.

Facade mason-A mason from a variety of backgrounds who constructs Architectural stonemasonry elements based upon steel and concrete structures who knows f##k all about stone and just builds big 3D jigsaws.

Cladding Mason-A usually self taught mason who sticks stone to walls with the wrong materials and could give-a-f##k about bedding or good working practices but is weirdly anal about their one very specific way of doing something who thinks he can design his masonry because Doris and Dave down the road are happy.

Walling Mason-A self taught mason who builds solid walls locally, usually been doing it that way for x amount of years so he must be right.

Drystone Mason-A not so specialist mason who just stacks stones in fields and chats shit all day with a cup of tea in one hand. Usually ecowarrior hippies with an amusingly low output and high opinion of their own abilities.

Have-a-go Mason- Any of the above for about £10/hour less because ALL men really want to be masons but f##k all of them have the stones to actually learn it.

Master Mason-Normally a banker mason with an overinflated sense of his own importance in the world who payed to join a club that says he is. Or someone so out of touch with real stonemasonry that they believe their own bulls##t. A true Master Mason is both banker and fixer with degrees in architecture and engineering as a bare minimum and they don't exist because we're literally ALL far to lazy and entitled to be bothered doing all that.